Charlton Hofie

LATEST NEWS!!!!!

2006-06-28T13:14:00.000Z

The Hofie is dead, long live Lord Lucan!!

www.thelordlucan.blogspot.com

Thank You and Good Night

2006-05-05T13:59:00.000Z

It is with great sadness that I have to announce that the sun has set of Charlton Hofie. I have been awaiting for some news for a while now on which this blog depended, the news has now come. The news is great for me personally, and those of you who know me will find out what it is, if you don't know already, shortly. However, it does mean I will unable to continue blogging. I have really enjoyed writing my pieces and I hope you have enjoyed reading them. My thanks must go to Barry's Beef for his inspiration and support, thanks also to Recess Monkey and 2 Darts for their support. Thanks to Anonymoron for his comments whenever the word Rehman Chishti is mentioned. Biggest thanks though must go to you, the readers. I will keep the site open for you to leave comments for a bit and I might still do the odd post from time to time. But for now it's been great fun blogging, I love you all and Good Night.

Charlton Hofie

Campbell's Future?

2006-05-05T11:56:00.000Z

After disappointing results last night, is this the Lib Dem leader's future?

Unfortunate Quote

2006-04-27T13:52:00.000Z

"And on a very bad day called Black Wednesday". Party Political Broadcast featuring Dave the Chameleon by the Labour Party broadcast 26 March 2006, now being called Labour's Black Wednesday.

Separated at Birth? Part 3

2006-04-27T13:09:00.000Z

Yes, it's time for another lookalike. On the left future England manager Luiz Felipe Scolari and on the right (though not politically) is everyone's favorite feline and occasional MP George Galloway. Septarted at birth? I think we should be told.

2 Alka Seltzer and A Bacon Sandwich

2006-04-27T10:15:00.000Z

The morning after the night before. I'm afraid I'm a little rough round the edges this morning due to a slight excess of drinking last night. However, I think Tony Blair might be feeling worse. I imagine he must have hit the bottle very hard last night after what must of been one of his worse days ever. Anyway, I digress. Let's get back to me and my lack of wellbeing. Matters were made worse by the fact I had defribrillator training this morning. For those who lack medical knowledge, the defribrillator is the machine in Casualty which they get out and electrocute people with. In Casualty the patient normally dies within moments of the gadget being got out, but apparently it does save lives. However, when you do feel like I do this morning rolling around on the floor and playing with dummies is not the most appealing thing in the world. Respect then must go to MP Richard Taylor. Taylor is the MP for Wyre Forest as an independent and a former doctor who was attending the training with me this morning. He wanted to be there less than me. Upon walking into the room he said, "I really don't want to be here very long, any chance we can hurry the course up?". The trainer dutifully replied to Taylor's request and the 2 hour course was cut down to 45mins. So many thanks to Dr. Taylor (who incidentally has the most peculiar laugh) I owe you a drink, though not today as I'm struggling a bit.

You Twit Hewitt

2006-04-26T15:31:00.000Z

Last month I reported about a strange little article that Jeremy Clarkson wrote about Patricia Hewitt being "completely ridiculous". After her dismal performance at to the Royal College of Nursing in Bournemouth I am now starting to understand what he was on about. On a second point, does Hewitt have a 'conference addressing outfit'? On the left is her in Bournemouth today, on the right is her addressing the BMA in June last year. Recycling Outfits? Not very New Labour now Pat.

Worst Campaign Ever?

2006-04-26T14:29:00.000Z

So what do you when your latest political campaign backfires and fails? Most parties would scrap it, the Tories dumped the 'Are you thinking what were thinking' when it was seen to be a bit rubbish. Labour on the other hand keep going and make it bigger. Dave the Chameleon was Labour's big campaign idea. However, it hasn't worked. It is a negative campaign and people don't like that. Furthermore, people thing Dave the Chameleon is rather cute and would quite like to focus on him. Finally, it emphasises the point the Tories are trying to stress anyway, that message being "We've changed". Labour activists think it is rubbish, they feel that Labour has lots to say and pratting about with a cartoon chameleon is just a waste of time and money. Labour though are doing a second installment in a party election broadcast tonight, although you can watch it now by clicking here. After that why not watch Dave's live webcam, which is just awful. Click here to watch it. Can Labour sink even lower? I'm sure they can.

Clarke in Sh*t, Prescott in Secretary

2006-04-26T08:31:00.000Z

Prezza must be the luckiest bloke in the world. Prescott as we know is Deputy Prime Minister and most people think that he's a bit of a moron. Then The Mirror reveals that he has been having a two year affair with his secretary. He must of thought "bugger" (in fact he's been thinking that for the past two years, but now it has taken on a different meaning). But wait there is light at the end of the tunnel thanks to his mate, loyal Blairite and Home Secretary Charles Clarke. Clarke has managed to make a bigger balls up of things than Prezza. By releasing foreign criminals into general society instead of deporting them, Clarke is up Sh*t Creek without a paddle big time. What makes this scandal really good as far as the hacks are concerned is that it combines two topics which can really cause a frenzy; law and order and immigration. Clarke is a bit of a bruiser and won't go easily after all he's made enough cock ups before but is still in the job. Has he gone too far now? I think so, though time will tell. Prezza meanwhile but be breathing a massive sigh of relief and counting his lucky stars. The only other question that remains is what the hell is wrong with 2 Jag's secretary's head to make her decide to sleep with him?

NB Love this article on the Guardian's Newsblog. Dear Dierdre meets Alastair Campbell.

To Boldly Spend

2006-04-25T10:59:00.000Z

Once again party donations/loans are being well spent by the Labour Party. In fact all the parties are spending the generously donated money wisely. Charlie Kennedy drummed up £101 on a bar bill over two nights, they claim it was on an unlimited supply of diet coke, it was accidental that the Jack Daniels just fell into the glass as well. The Tories hired actors to dress up as groundhogs at a cost of £3500 (hope they were good at that price). Labour spent £299 on five star trek costumes to annoy John Redwood. Clearly they didn't try Alen Products. This wonderful Merseyside based company could have sold them this wonderful Star Trek costume. At £35 each, the money wasters at Blair HQ could have got five for £175. That's less than a haircut for Cherie, bargain.

Get Rid of Your Gremlins

2006-04-25T10:12:00.000Z

Apologies for the lack of postings yesterday, the gremlins got into the computer. However, it is all fixed now and I will be posting later today; so watch this space.

Hair Today...Gone Very Shortly

2006-04-21T08:34:00.000Z

No wonder Labour needed all those loans. Cherie claimed £7,700 over the election campaign for her hairdresser, that is £250 a day. This just defies belief. Sandra Howard until two months before the campaign was driving around in a 16 year-old slightly battered Fiat Panda, and the only thing that stopped her from carrying on were some vandals trashing it. What really stinks though is the attitude of the Labour Party HQ when quizzed on the matter their reaction was, "So what? Mrs Blair worked fantastically hard during the election and visited more than 50 constituencies during the campaign. She is enormously popular with the party and, don't forget, we won the election". Now I never have, would or will give money to Labour, but if I had I would want a bit more constructive answer to how my donation had gone on Cherie's barnet looking good than "so what?". And as far as I'm aware, she is not enormously popular with the party, I think they'll find the general perception of her (and this includes the within the Labour party) is that she is a silly cow. Now spending £7,700 to have a paper bag surgically attached over her head, that's worth the money.

Lizzy at 80

2006-04-21T07:56:00.000Z

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II is 80 today. The Hofie wishes her many happy returns of the day.

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!

Football's Going Labour

2006-04-20T15:23:00.000Z

I've just found this photo. Is it me or is it of Tony Blair and Ruth Kelly? Answers in the comments section please.

Cheap Booze in Westminster

2006-04-20T13:05:00.000Z

OK, booze is cheap anyhow in the Houses of Parliament. However, the infamous/notorious Sports and Social Club is really going over the top at the moment. Having just returned there from lunch, I can report all sorts of going ons. As we know St. George's Day isn't till Sunday but the S&S has ignored that matter. The bunting is up all round the bar, flags are up and it all looks very patriotic. Even better though is that Bombardier, Carling and John Smiths all have had 50p knocked off the price, with John Smith's being the cheapest at a mere £1.40 a pint. If beer doesn't float your boat then a double Gordon's and tonic is only £1.80, failing that you can have a Pimms for £1.80. Even more, if you have a Bombardier you go into a draw to win a keg of the stuff. The offer runs till Monday so expect vast numbers of drunken staffers tomorrow night. Cheers!

Italian Elections MkII

2006-04-20T11:39:00.000Z

Bored? Been kicked out the Chamber? Nothing to do? Well you could go on the internet (clearly you have or you wouldn't be reading this). Maybe you could sign the much publicised People's Petition in favour of animal testing, which although a very worthy cause has it's limited uses. However, much better is this....elect the new boss of the Sicilian Mafia. Following the arrest of Bernado Provenzano hours after Prodi was made PM the notorious Sicilian Mafia are bossless. However, a genius (if not crazy) Italian has decided the Mafia had a bit of democracy given to them. So take your pick 63 year-old Salvatore Lo Piccolo or 44 year-old Matteo Messina Denaro. It's an offer you can't refuse.

Norway - The Place for Party Leaders

2006-04-20T09:55:00.000Z

Labour says about Dave Cameron"this way, that way", Dave says "Norway". Yes Dave is off to Norway to see climate change in action. If only Charlie Kennedy was still Lib Dumb leader, he could have gone as well. He'd love Norway. The 2,650km of coastine, the fjords, the skiing and in Oslo he could have gone to the newly opened mini bottle gallery, which boasts the largest collection of miniature bottles in the world, oh how he would have enjoyed it. To visit the mini bottle gallery website, click here. It's great, however, only the homepage is in English so you need to be able to read Norwegian to get the best out of it.

£ + Electoral Commission = Waste

2006-04-20T08:35:00.000Z

A formula has been devised by psychologists as to why people vote. It goes as follows: Apart from being a load of rubbish, there is the scary fact that you paid for this to be compiled. Rather than the formula being made by some seriously bored psychologist with nothing better to do, the Electoral Commission got psychologist and motivation expert Cliff Arnall to devise the formula. The Electoral Commission got in done in their "attempts to encourage people to vote in the 4 May local elections". The Electoral Commission last year spent £24.8m of your money. How nice to know it is being spent on crap equations like this.

Crazy Chameleon

2006-04-19T14:40:00.000Z

The backfired Dave the Chameleon thing that Labour did is brilliant, in that it is so crap. It has done no damage to Dave as he is quite willing to accept the notion that he has changed. It has made Blair/Labour look rather silly, petty and and happy to go forth in a negative campaign of Lib Dumb proportions. I've just been exploring in depth the Dave the Chameleon website, which is funny if you're a Tory but cringeworthy if you're Labour (Lib Dumbs haven't a sense of humour and wouldn't get it). However, the best bit is the Dave the Chameleon ringtone, it only costs one standard text (click here for more info) and is one of the lamest things I've heard in a long time. However, I have a vision of staffers all over Westminster all with the same Dave the Chameleon ringtone. It would be a beautiful thing. The Crazy Frog is so last year, now it's the Crazy Chameleon.

And The Truth Shall Set You Free

2006-04-19T10:23:00.000Z

I have just spotted this piece on Auntie's website. The idea is that IDS (yes, the quiet man has made a noise) wants a State Funeral for the last World War I veteran. However, the Veterans Minister Don Touhig has said that that would not be possible due to the fact that it would cause all sorts of difficulties. Among the difficulties, he lists the fact it is very difficult to know who is or will be the last veteran and that their families may not want a state funeral. However, what he didn't mention was the massive problem relating to the condition of Westminster Hall, which is essential to have a State Funeral, as explained by the Hofie last month on this post. So now you know the truth.

Another Unoriginal Labour Idea

2006-04-19T08:29:00.000Z

A struggling PM needs a fresh faced David Cameron about as much as a fish needs a bicycle.

Chishti not Christi

2006-04-18T11:20:00.000Z

THIS IS NOT A POST ABOUT REHMAN CHISHTI, it is a post about his name, so back off anonymoron. A discussion took place last Thursday between myself and a beloved reader, who knows who he is, as to how you spell The Great Raymondo's surname. I said it is spelt
c-h-i-s-h-t-i, beloved reader said it was spelt c-h-r-i-s-t-i. So to prove I was right, please see BBC website spelling of his name, as shown above. I really should have put money on it.

Local Lib Dumbs

2006-04-18T10:19:00.000Z

The local election campaign is well underway now. I have the unfortunate pleasure of living in, Princes Ward in Lambeth, a ward with 3 Lib Dumb councillors. It is a two horse race between the Lib Dumbs and Labour. The Tories don't stand a chance and don't even bother really to campaign, their resources are better spent elsewhere. Anyhow over my break I received a charming newsletter called Kennington Focus from my Lib Dumb conucillors telling me to vote for them. Here is a photo of the three of them outside a blue fence that was featured on the leaflet. They are from left to right Charles Anglin, Rita Fitzgerald and Keith Fitchett:

Here's another photo featured in the leaflet, this time they are by a sign:

Another photo from the leaflet, by a bin now:

One more, by now Fitchett got bored and buggered off, so it's just Anglin and Fitzgerald and a tree:

What didn't feature on the leaflet was this photo of Cllr Anglin posted on a gay dating website (thanks to Barrys Beef for finding it), must have been omitted for reasons of space:

This little article (click on the article to enlarge it) was also in the leaflet. Again, and I'm sure it is for reasons of space; certain things have failed to be mentioned. They have forgotten to mention the £3m of council taxpayers' money that was taken by a fraudster. Cllr Fitchett employed this bloke to fix heating in council properties, gave him £3m before the work was even started and the bloke buggered off. Fitchett refused to step down as head of housing and nothing was done to get the money back or for anyone to accept responsibility. Fancy the Lib Dumbs not mentioning that on their leaflet.

Forget 2 Jags..Meet No Jags

2006-04-18T08:55:00.000Z

Hey Ho...It's good to be back although I had a very pleasant week off, enjoying the delights that South London had to offer, before venturing to the South Coast. Anyhow enough about me. The MPs are climbing out of their broomcupboards and coming back to Westminster today, and they are all talking about the environment and how they are contributing to saving the planet. Ming, however, has taken a dramatic step, he has said good-bye to his beloved Jaguar, which is now in a barn in East Lothain going for sale. It's his contribution to the environment, furthermore he has announced he will be traveling by tube a lot more. Something tells me his freedom pass has arrived in the post.

See You Soon

2006-04-07T11:44:00.000Z

I'm off on holiday for a week and will be limited in blogging facilities. Therefore, there will be few or no posts on this blog. I shall return on Tuesday 18 April, until then Happy Easter.

Party Time!

2006-04-07T10:31:00.000Z

One of the joys that comes with being an MP is the receptions, free food, free booze and a goodie bag to take home. However, an invite has appeared before my eyes to what must be the best reception ever, to be held on Wednesday 24 May. Organised by Romsey MP the Lib Dumb Sandra Gidley (who has the wonderful title Lib Dumb Spokesperson for Older People) she invites various MPs and Lords to "a Presentation by Alcoholics Anonymous about their work with the professional community tackling alcoholism". I imagine queues outside the door for this one as almost everyone would love to come for their option of orange juice or water and a lovely demonstration on how professionals (such as MPs) must tackle their alcohol demons. However, in reality I feel Strangers Bar will be more full with everyone coming for their option of beer, wine or spirit and a lovely demonstration on how professionals (such as MPs) must welcome their alcohol demons.

The Sound of Music???

2006-04-06T14:15:00.000Z

SPORTS & SOCIAL CLUB KARAOKE - COMING SOON!

Separated At Birth? Part 2

2006-04-06T14:02:00.000Z

Another lookalike. This time one is English nemesis and Indian circket captain Rahul Dravid. The other is News of the Screws' fake sheikh and apparent journalist, Mazher Mahmood. However, due to an appeal against the lifting of an injunction on showing his face. I can't show his face till 4pm today. Are they by any chance related? I think we should be told.

Latest: Big Ben tells me 4 o'clock, injuction over, proper photo.

The Fourth Wise Monkey...Knows no Evil

2006-04-06T08:09:00.000Z

With a lack of Parliamentary proceedings going on at the moment, Westminster gossip has turned to more normal things. Examples include the Sports and Social Club Darts Tournament and what time people are meeting for a drink. However, one mystery in the gossip world has kept everyone talking all week since it was exposed here on the fabulous Recess Monkey . Who fell asleep in the downstairs men's loo in the Red Lion last Thursday, only to wake up at 3am, have to call 118 118 to get the Red Lion's number and wake up landlady Jane to be released? As an added incentive a free pint was offered to the person with the right answer. As beer was involved the answers were flooding to the gossiping primate, all seem to be wrong (at this point I apologise to a source formerly close to the PM for even thinking it might be him). Well, in an exclusive I can reveal what the Monkey knows. THE MONKEY KNOWS NOTHING! Yes he is completely in the dark as to who it might be as the rest of us and is dying to know. He knows the story but not the names. My sources tell me he has terrorised every member of bar staff in the Red Lion to get a name but to no avail. Still, if you do know who it was please enlighten us because there is at least one years laughing at to be done at the character in question. The photo by the way is not of the Red Lion incident, it's just one I nicked of the web.

Bird Flu Hits UK

2006-04-06T07:50:00.000Z

PANIC!

A Verry Long Wait

2006-04-05T08:20:00.000Z

Who remembers the Lords' Bar? In fairness it has been closed for ages now and can easily have been forgotten. If your memory needs refreshing, it was a rather cosy little bar near the Sports and Social Club. It was extremely popular with researchers on a Friday night and had access to the terrace which was great during recess and there was the charming service from Kolly and Nadia. Anyway a couple of years ago, everyone returned from recess to find out it had shrunk by half, then in July last year it shut completely along with the Lords Cafeteria which did brilliant sausage sandwiches with brown toast. Men in hi-vis jackets and hard hats appeared, there was a refurbishment happening. In July 2005 the Head of Catering Services of the Lords' Refreshment Department said it would take 9 months to complete and will open again with much joy in April 2006. Well here we are April 2006 and guess what...The men in hi-vis jackets and hard hats are still here. In fact they will be here for good while longer. Delays were reported quite early on and the opening date was moved back to Whit Recess, then it would be open by summer recess and now the latest on the grapevine is September. Verry Construction has the contract, although you'd think Multiplex would have it. So what do you reckon will open first Lords Bar or Wembley Stadium? Answers in the comments section.

Separated at Birth?

2006-04-04T09:22:00.000Z

With it being recess, news is hard to come by so I've had to resort to random observations about MPs. First up it's lookalikes. One of these people is Peter Bone, MP for Wellingborough, the other is Sven Goran-Eriksson, soon to be former England manager. Are they by any chance related? I think we should be told.

Bye Bye Barmy Bloke

2006-04-03T10:27:00.000Z

It's Recess Time...MPs have escaped the smoke of London for their constituencies where they have to deal with the great unwashed of the electorate rather than getting their researchers to do it. For those of us left behind Recess is bliss. People say that Parliament would work so much better if it wasn't for the Members and the Public. Well the Public are still kicking about but without the Members it is so much quieter and harmonious. However, it does make Westminster news rather thin on the ground. Until I found out that there is one Westminster story concerning the man who is hated by more people in the Village than anyone else. No, it's not George Galloway (he's a close 2nd), it's Brian Haw. Brian Haw is the idiot who has been protesting on Parliament Square since 2001. What he is protesting about is a bit of a mystery as it has continued to change over the years. It started about sanctions on Iraq, then it moved on to war in Afghanistan, then war in Iraq, there's something about oil there and I hear he has now started on Gordon Brown. He says he has a wife and kids, although I reckon by now they have disowned him and his wife is sleeping with the postman. The man is a complete nutter and is wasting his time, his flags, posters and placards are an eyesore on the charming Parliament Square. The most horrific sight of him I once saw was when sat at the front on the top of a bus going approaching Parliament Square and he was washing. This involved him standing in the Square pouring a mug of water of him wearing just some white (although they were grey because they were so dirty) y-fronts. The sight has scarred me for life. Anyway the nut job might get booted off his protest if the Home Office and the Met win their appeal today. Good luck Mr. Clarke and Mr. Blair (that is Ian Blair) I hope the appeal goes well and Brian Haw has to go home, if he still has one. Bloody weirdo.

PICTing Your Minds

2006-03-30T14:19:00.000Z

Another gem of an email from PICT asking for feedback. Alegedly PICT stands for Parliamentary Information Communication Technology, although it probably stands for Practically Incompetent, Challenged Technologically. Still at least they understand finally we are continually fustrated.

War of the Roses

2006-03-30T09:09:00.000Z

The Beatles' record label Apple Corp are taking Apple Computers to court seeking damages and an injunction on Apple Computers attempting to stop them using their apple logo in the music industry. I hope that makes sense, I had John Prescott helping write that first sentence. If, however, it doesn't make sense you can read the full story in the papers today. However, could this court case lead to a whole more other similar ones? If it did...Could this a possible case? On the left, is a picture of the English Rugby logo used by the team since the first ever Rugby international in 1871. On the right is a picture of the Labour party logo which replaced the former logo of a red flag at the 1986 Labour Party Conference, a whole 115 years after England used it for rugby. Now if I was Francis Baron, chief executive of the RFU, I would be running the courts, after all Labour has quite clearly nicked the logo and is giving a bad name with all the rubbish they spout out.

And the Waffling Idiot Award Goes To...

2006-03-29T11:26:00.000Z

PREZZA

Wellington Boot thief John Prescott was standing in at PMQs today in his role as Deputy Prime Minister. He came up against the bald beast of PMQs that is William Hague. The 10 Downing Street comedian had been allowed out of his cupboard to write a humorous paragraph for Prescott to read out, which he just about managed to do. Then Hague ran circles round him with Prescott struggling to make sense. You have to feel sorry for the Hansard reporters who have to translate his blabber into some form of comprehensible English, can't be easy. Prescott forgot names, failed to find prewritten answers and remind us all how much of a moron he is. Highly entertaining if completely incomprehensible.

PIMS O'Clock

2006-03-29T10:15:00.000Z

It is another no news day, the elections in Israel are limited into what one can say about them, although the Today Programme managed to stretch it for about 3 hours. Apart from the excitement of Prescott V Hague at PMQS today, I was really struggling to think of anything imaginative to write today. Then to my relief the computer made the bing sound that it makes when a new email comes in. It's all about PIMS having a downtime. A downtime, when was PIMS on an uptime? PIMS (Parliamentary Information Management System) has been a disaster from the word go. It has cost way more than it should and is almost impossible to use. If you need to find anything on it, you'll need to clear all other engagements for the day because it really will take you that long to track it down. Alternatively a software package which works the same principle as google could have been bought for around £2,000 and would have worked better but that would have been far to simple. So when was PIMS' uptime? It will probably be during their downtime when it is not causing stress to Westminster workers throughout the building as they wrestle with it's impossible methods. Frankly PIMS and PICT and all these other fancy IT projects with acronyms should be linked into one setup...PISS.

Labour 2nd in Election

2006-03-29T07:58:00.000Z

As Israel wakes up to this headline this morning following their elections. I expect to be reading it in a few years time over here.

Missing Bovine

2006-03-28T15:22:00.000Z

Have you seen this Bull? He responds to the name of Barry Beef. A frequent user of The Sports and Social Club, Barry has not been in for several weekdays for his customary pint of Pride, game of darts and moan about how disgusting smoking is. Fears are growing for the health of his liver as it could be suffering from lack of alcohol. Sightings of him in the S&S area last Friday were reported, although those are yet to be confirmed. We suspect the bovine is still alive as regular updates have continued to amuse many in his blog. It is reckoned that Barry is hiding in the Norman Shaw South area of the Palace of Westminster. If you do see him, don't be afraid to approach him (the horns are just for show) and direct him to the S&S club. If you fail to direct him there, please inform me of his wellbeing and pass on the message from Charlton Hofie of the Missing Bovine Organisation "I've got you in the doubles of the S&S darts tournament, and this time I'm going to win". Every bull needs his beer, so please help.

Well Worth Reading

2006-03-28T12:20:00.000Z

Before coming to Westminster I thought an Early Day Motion (EDM) was what my bowels did when I woke up in the morning. Since then I have realised that they are a method for MPs to make official their pointless waffle. One such piece of mindless babble came from Reading West MP Martin Salter. His EDM was a message of congratulations to Reading FC for achieving promotion to the Premiership. The EDM congratulates and applauds everything that moves at Reading FC and even manages to applaud the efforts Reading Borough Council for it's involvement in the promotion. Surprisingly Reading Borough Council is run by Labour and Martin Salter is a Labour MP. Funny that. Next time Martin Salter feels like congratulating Reading FC, instead of wasting time on an EDM maybe he could use the handy facility on the Reading FC website where you can email your congratulation to the team direct. Anyway I'm sure his free season ticket is in the post (for libel purposes I don't know if Salter is definitly getting a free season ticket, it's just he's going about it the right way). Another interesting EDM was this one from Tory MP Greg Hands. What I would love to know is how the hell it was calculated that with an extra hours daylight 2500 lives would be saved or serious injuries prevented? Although the phrase double summer time sounds fantastic. On a final note many apologies for the dreadful pun at the top.

Blair Retirement - EXCLUSIVE!

2006-03-28T08:37:00.000Z

Firstly, I'm not on strike, for two reasons. Firstly my pension is fine and I'm looking forward to my retirement playing golf, decorating, gardening etc.. Secondly I don't do all this strike and union rubbish, I tell you that Thatcher woman had the right idea. I am I'm afraid to say I am a member of the NUS but only because you get cheap cinema tickets and discounts in shops rather than that I felt I wanted to join the most useless union in the country. Also who is actually on strike? So far I've seen bins being cleared in Lambeth and Westminster, kids going to school, buses working. In fact things actually seem to be working better. The only thing the TV has managed to tell me is that the Mersey ferry and tunnel aren't working. However, the strike has reminded me of the 85 rule, which basically allows people to retire when their age and the number of years service to an organisation add up to 85. Therefore I can exclusively reveal when Tony Blair will retire, based on this rule. If you take his years of service being from 1997 (when he became PM) he will retire in 2018. If you take his years of service being from 1994 (when he became Labour leader) he will retire in 2016. If you take his years of service being from 1983 (when he became an MP) 2010/2011. Either way if he's basing his retirement on the 85 rule, we're all buggered. Incidentally I get to retire in 2036, only 30 years left. Woo Hoo!

Mistaken Prime Minister

2006-03-27T09:41:00.000Z

The interview Blair gave to ABC is all in all rather bizarre. The crux of the matter seems to be when will the PM go? Rumour has it that a date has been fixed between Blair and Brown. However Blair said that revealing that he will quit before seeking a fourth term, made in 2004,might have been a mistake. Then after the interview, a spin doctor (although the papers are calling him an official spokesman) said "Some people think it was mistake. He doesn't". What? But he said it might have been a mistake not other people .... Honestly do these spin doctors take us for morons? However, this is the best quote in the interview which came just before he said it might have been a mistake, "it was an unusual thing for me to say, but people kept asking me the question so I decided to answer it. Maybe that was a mistake". Two points here; does it sound like the PM meant that other people think it was a mistake or him? Bloody spin doctors. The second point is since when has the PM started answering questions because they are continually asked? David Cameron can ask him the same question 6 times at PMQs and not get an answer, Humphrys' on the Today Programme can do the same. The PM can dodge questions like the bloke in The Matrix could dodge bullets, what has brought on this change of heart? Has the man lost the plot?

Somebody Loves Rehman

2006-03-27T09:01:00.000Z

Has Rehman Chishti, the 'working class barrister' who defected to the Tories got a secret army of protectors trying to keep his name clean from the horrible people on the net who think he's a arse. Only I've started to notice that whenever a nasty piece is written about him on the net. No matter how small the blog is or how little readers it has somebody writes a rather defensive comment saying that The Great Raymondo will make a marvelous MP (are you sure?), that he is working class through and through (I can tell that from his accent) and that everything he's got in life he has worked/struggled for himself (or defected to). Now is the Tory Special Advisor on Foreign Looking Chaps writing these comments himself or has CCHQ employed another busybody with the role of Protector of Profile for Special Advisor of Foreign Looking Chaps? Whoever it is seems to be going around terrorising blogs with anonymous comments saying that Ray is the best thing since sliced bread. Come on identify yourself and stop talking rubbish!!

PS. I rest my case. Have a look at the comments, the Rehman Fan Club are out in force.

Picture Found!

2006-03-27T08:34:00.000Z

Thanks to a certain labour researcher, an employee of the Toff Bashing Society (aka The League Against Cruel Sports) and a member of House of Commons Staff (you know who you are) I was unable to read the blog let alone write it on Friday due to a whopping hangover. As well as the fact I was overseas in a land where the web hasn't reached. However, it appears great things have happened. Thanks to some publicity from my good friend Recess Monkey a huge campaign to find the picture of Julia Goldsworthy in a leotard got underway. The blog attracted a record number of visitors in one day all desperate to help find such a picture. Thanks must go though to Prolix who managed to find such a picture. Now I can go ahead with my duty of putting a photo of Goldsworthy and Galloway in their leotards next to each other for comparison, something Goldsworthy hoped didn't happen (oh well). So please feel free to enjoy the pictures and laugh. This trend of leotards which MPs are seen to be suffering from needs to be addressed. Maybe some sort of charity needs to be set up for the protection of MPs from leotards, I don't know. Just as long as the next MP to wear such skin tight clothing is not Ann Widdecombe. Ugh! Just the thought of it makes me sick.

Goldsworthy + Galloway = LEOTARDS!

2006-03-23T15:37:00.000Z

DICKHEAD

Apparently...after performing gymnastics in channel 4's hit (really?) show The Games in a tight green leotard, Julia Goldsworthy was said to be hoping that people don't compare her skin tight clothing thing with that of George Galloway in the Big Brother house. Naturally, therefore, I felt it my duty to make that comparison. However, I can't find a photo of the Lib Dem MP in prementioned leotard to make the comparison. If anyone can find one let me know in the comments box and I will gladly put the photos together. In the meantime it is a lovely excuse to remind ourselves of how much of a prat Galloway looked like in his leotard moment and show the photo again.

Taking the Crap out of Crapita

2006-03-23T15:08:00.000Z

So farewell Ron Aldridge, Chairman of Crapita. Aldridge has resigned from his post after he was revealed to be one of the Labour Donors. Crapita (who apparently are really called Capita) have won numberous Government contracts, where they notoriously cock things up and drain up more public money than Prescott's kebab bill. However, as we know it doesn't how badly you do a job if you lend Tony a couple of quid or 14 million you will continue to get jobs. So what will this mean? Will the Government find a decent "outsourcing company" to do what Crapita do but better or will Crapita still bluff their way pretending to be professionals. I've been sent on a couple of courses with Crapita but they were a waste of time. Oh how we will not miss Aldridge. However he did leave with this pearl of wisdom "I have every confidence that the team at C[r]apita will continue to go from strength to strength". Bollocks.

Fountian: Fitting Tribute?

2006-03-22T16:03:00.000Z

The Diana Memorial Fountain in Hyde Park (which to me looks like a record attempt for world's biggest urinal) has been slammed by Sir Edward Leigh, Chairman of the Public Accounts Committee. In a statement the committee described the fountain as having "basic problem management failures" and that "accountability for the finished result was not clear". Leigh went on to say that the fountain will be "a drain on public resources for years". Hey what do you know, they wanted a memorial that would be a fitting tribute to Princess Di's life and they've got it! The Princess Di is a Saint club (aka The Daily Express) can leave their comments calling me the spawn of Satan in the comments box, but I might delete them.

Groundhog Day?

2006-03-22T12:30:00.000Z

It's budget day! What excitement, fags up, economy grows, inflation on target, 4x4s terrible so let's tax them, stability and helping those in need at home and abroad, prudence here and there and no more boom and bust. All frankly damn boring and has been the same for the last 10 years. However, at least we get to get an insight into things to come later this year a clash between in the red corner Gordon "Prudence" Brown and in the blue corner David "Call me Dave" Cameron. Anyway got to go, it's just got underway, popcorn and coke at the ready it's showtime.

100 Tasteful Readers.

2006-03-22T10:38:00.000Z

Bill Gates reading Charlton

Last night was a historical night. A momentous occasion happened. Ladies and Gentleman this blog got its 100th reader. I've been watching the number of readers creep ever nearer the big ton for a week now and it has finally happened. I'd just like to say thanks to all you guys and gals who read the blog. I hope you have enjoyed my musings on Westminster life and a few other things. I have enjoyed writing it. The blog is still very much in it infancy but is still growing and I will keep doing it. Roll on the next 100.

Going, Going, Gong

2006-03-21T15:51:00.000Z

I'm afraid I can't take credit for doing this or spotting this but it is a great one, although it was inevitable. Yes, ladies and gentlement there is a Peerage for sale on ebay. Click here to be taken to the page and place your bid. It's so good to see that some people do have respect for our politicians and the way they go about their business.

NB. Those chaps at ebay have no sense of humour and the item has been removed. You'll just have to take my word for it, it was there.

Dodgy Dealings? Never!

2006-03-21T09:47:00.000Z

Do you recognise the woman pictured here? No, well some of you might have but then the people who recognise her are either MPs or members of the PLP. Anyway for those of you who do not know who she is, the answer is Bridget Prentice, MP for Lewisham East. Now she got major airtime in the Commons yesterday. Why? She is The Parliamentary Under-Secretary of State for Constitutional Affairs, which makes her about as important in the cabinet as the bloke who opens at number 10. However, she was given the responsibility of reading out the statement and fielding the subsequent questions in the Commons on Party Funding. Now why was this matter, which has been a massive embarrassment to the Government given to some dogsbody? Well the No. 1 at constitutional affairs is the Lord Chancellor so naturally he couldn't do it in the Commons because he was doing it in the Lords. The matter would then go to obviously to the No. 2 at the DCA a certain Harriet Harman. So why didn't Mrs Harman do the statement. Well it so happens she is married to a certain Jack Dromey who was the whistleblower on this whole matter. So to put it simply. The DCA who is responsible for sorting out this affair is run by the PM's (who caused this mess) best mate (Lord Falconer), whose deputy there (Harman) is married to the guy who exposed this sham (Dromey) and therefore some unknown minister (Prentice) is responsible for reporting to the Commons on this matter. The Government don't think this stinks? Get over

Hall in a State

2006-03-20T15:50:00.000Z

Fellow blogger 2 darts mentioned in the comments for the post below that Humphrey might have a state funeral and therefore implied a lying-in-state. That got me thinking. I checked with a few sources and have made a shocking discovery.

As those of you who work within Westminster Village know Westminster Hall has been closed off for essential maintenance. Basically the 11th century hall and the oldest part of the Palace was falling down and needed to be fixed. This has provided a few problems, one being that a handy cut through the building has been temporarily lost and secondly tours of the building aren't as interesting. However, there is one other major problem. Should Queenie die (perish the thought), or for that matter anyone else requiring a lying-in-state like Margaret Thatcher (that's going to cause upset). There is apparently no other building suitable for a lying-in state. Westminster Hall would have to be put back into a condition where it is suitable to hold such a ceremony. If you look in the hall one can see that such work would take a while causing huge and inappropriate delays to a lying-in-state. I have no news as to what the contingency plans are should such a scenario arise, however, I bet the powers that be are praying the queen can go a few more years and not drop off while the contractors are in, which going by previous Houses of Parliament contract work standard could be while.

Great Pussy

2006-03-20T12:19:00.000Z

RIP Humphrey, the Downing Street cat. Probably the only thing in Downing Street which managed to avoid sex scandals or sleaze. Probably also had more intelligence than most humans in Downing Street. Certainly was the only one who managed to do their job properly, that job by the way for those who don't remember was "Chief Mouser to the Cabinet Office".

Going for Goldsworthy

2006-03-20T11:57:00.000Z

The greatest sporting show on earth after the Olympics is underway. "We know," I hear you scream "you did a post on the Commonwealth Games on Friday". Well actually I'm not talking about the Commonwealth Games, I'm talking about The Games, Channel 4's latest exploitation of non-entities. Somehow I had missed the fact that this grand Sheffield based event had got underway until Barry's Beef pointed it out. Such great names in the celebrity world as MC Plat'num who alledgedly used to be in Blazin' Squad, and Amanda Lamb (heard of her? Me neither) are taking part. Also involved is Julia Goldsworthy (pictured), MP for Falmouth and Camborne. Well I know The Games is a parade of non-entities but using Lib Dem MPs really is scraping the bottom of the channel 4 barrel. Couldn't they have found a proper MP, if they were really after one? Nicholas Soames maybe.

Guess the Donor

2006-03-20T09:38:00.000Z

A great game is emerging now which is called guess the donor. Since Labour's magically appearing money sleaze was revealed, over the weekend guesses have been going as to who was the fourth donor. I have devised a shortlist as to who it may have been and the odds of them being the donor.

Gulam Noon 1-2Fav
David Mills 7-2
Silvio Berlusconi 10-1
Rehman Chishti 14-1
Securitas 33-1
The Banker from Deal or No Deal 100-1

Any other candidates which you my dear readers can think of please add them in the comments box.

Labour Loan - Doner Revealed

2006-03-17T15:24:00.000Z

I think the public should know and the Government should answer....Did the Labour Party or Number 10 (because neither knows what the other one is up to) borrow £53million from Securitas on Tuesday 21st February and did they bother to tell Securitas? For libel purposes I am not saying that they did but it is just a theory.

Game On

2006-03-17T12:19:00.000Z

The Commonwealth Games is now well underway. Hofie is fan of them. They are sometimes known as the friendly game and this was demonstrated in the bronze medal match of the rugby sevens when Aussie back Scott Fava suffered a horrific injury where he appeared to have a fit on the pitch. The medics took 15 minutes to treat him, which is longer than half the game. During that time the crown were respectful, the players behaved brilliantly, the TV cameras respected Fava's privacy and pictures were not screened of him receiving treatment as he was stretchered off he received a massive round of applause. Other reasons I'm a fan of the games is that there are no Yanks there, so they can't win everything. Britain is split up into England and the other lot and we adopt Land of Hope and Glory which is rather pleasant and a good tune. Unlike the Olympics rugby is played and even better rugby sevens is played which is so quick and exciting. You also have netball and bowls. Melbourne is putting on a great show and I'm really enjoying it.

Mine's a Guinness

2006-03-17T11:42:00.000Z

Tories, we don't stereotype foreigners anymore.

HAPPY ST. PADDY'S DAY!

At last an excuse for a drink, been waiting for one for ages! The Hofie will be at Twickenham tomorrow to watch the dismal England against the Irish. Let's hope the Irish XV have a big night tonight and are too hungover to win tomorrow.

Bird Flu Remedy Found

2006-03-17T11:16:00.000Z

This little gem was sent to me from webland. Bird flu, frankly it has been the biggest disappointment of the year. I was hoping to see something on the lines of the Great Plague of 1665 proportions, red crosses on your door and blokes pushing trolleys shouting "Bring out your dead". Stock markets would crash, the economy would collapse, the Government would fall due to some peasant (sorry, communist) revolution and then we'd get nuked by Dubya and the UK would turn into some wasteland. However, nothing has happened so there we go.

New Saving Scheme

2006-03-16T16:24:00.000Z

Money to spare? Forget NS&I (National Savings and Investments) go for NLS&I (New Labour National Savings and Investments). Lend NLS&I money and they will pay you back with interest, plus invest now and they will give you a free Peerage as a welcome gift. Please note, records may never exist and information regarding your investment will not be passed onto the company's treasurer. Free Peerage offer available while stocks last and can't be guaranteed to all investors. By investing in NLS&I you may be linked by the media to Labour sleaze, but don't worry because they got rid of that when they came into government in 1997, it's sleaze but under a different name. Visit https://secure.labour.org.uk/donatebycreditcard (when did they ditch New Labour and become Secure Labour?) to invest your money.

Great Web Video

2006-03-16T15:03:00.000Z

Blogger, Guido Fawkes doesn't need any publicity he has more visitors a day to his site than Ibiza has in year. However, this post on his blog has one of the best web videos I have ever seen, absolutly brilliant. Watch and enjoy.

Utilitarian and Tory

2006-03-16T10:31:00.000Z

It seems that the aftermath of the education bill debate has resulted in everyone being happy. The Tories are happy, they supported the bill but also put another nail in Blair's coffin as the bill only passed because the bill only passed because they supported it. The Government are happy as the bill passed. The Labour Backbenchers who want Blair gone are happy because there was enough of a rebellion to cause the PM damage. So there we go a utilitarian (and Tory) bill. Oh apart from the Lib Dems who have nothing to be happy about still at least Ming sorted out his pension earlier in the day.

Bluetooth Prats

2006-03-15T12:03:00.000Z

Those of you who know me would know that I am not the best person to be giving fashion tips and advice but I have started to notice a new fashion on the pavements of London. Bluetooth headsets. There are people who seems to have them stuck on their ear day and night permanently. They shout very loudly into them and are generally anti-social. It has resorted to me having to give out a rare fashion tip. Don't wear bluetooth headsets unless you really don't have the use of your hands, you look like a moron.

Just a word....Nice

2006-03-15T11:16:00.000Z

Went to watch live jazz last night in The Dog House, Kennington Lane. Which to put it in just a word was.....nice. I highly recommend going to see live music when you can. Last night was great it was sit down have a drink and listen to some great music. The keyboard player was amazing and managed to play with one hand, drink his pint with the other and at the same time have a fag dangling out his mouth. Who says that men can't multitask. Oh yes and the drummer is an very pretty blonde who can bash out the great rhythms. As the musicians union said on those stickers in the early 90s "Keep Music Live". I once saw one of those stickers on a cassette player once which sort of defied the point. The jazz quartet will next be playing at The Dog House (which on the junction of Kennington Lane and Kennington Road, nearest tubes Kennington or Vauxhall) on Tuesday 11th April at 9pm, I highly recommend it.

New Tory, Old Image

2006-03-15T10:50:00.000Z

Yesterday, Recess Monkey was informed by a source close to the Prime Minister that losing Labour candidate Rehman Chishti was the defector to the Tory Party. Normally I am delighted to have somebody turn from the Evils of Socialism to the Conservative Path of Enlightenment. However, after speaking to the source close to the Prime Minister and listening to Rehman on the Today programme this morning I have come to the conclusion that he is an arse. I do believe that Rehman could never have been Labour in the first place. You just have to look at the photo of him and he screams Tory. Then you look at his credentials, rich barrister with an extremely posh voice. Well that will do the Tories a great deal to shift their stereotype image of their average supporter which is surprisingly rich barristers with extremely posh voices. The Today Programme gave him the peak time slot of 6.50am to interview him where the two most commonly used words were er and um. The source close to the PM who had met him a number of times said he was a tit. I really don't want him in the Tory Party, could he go and join the Lib Dems please.

Big Hits

2006-03-15T10:32:00.000Z

Cricket (I don't like it...I love it), England were disappointing and blundered their 2nd innings and went on to lost the 2nd test. If only they performed like they do on legendary online game stick cricket. Picture above (click on it to enlarge it and read the numbers) is my winning innings in the final of the tournament against Australia yesterday. Made that South Africa v Australia ODI last weekend look like a Boycott innings.

Consent or Nonsense?

2006-03-14T10:19:00.000Z

The joys of sex are shown in all their beauty with the latest Government campaign. The issue is a serious one, however, the way it was presented by Fiona McTaggart and others was laughable on BBC1's Breakfast this morning. The issue is that of consent being given before sex. Fiona McTaggart told us "It's time men were give some responsibility" in a highly patronising way that made men sound like 5 year-olds who you couldn't turn your back on. Images were being stirred in the minds of viewers of a couple lying in bed together about to make love when the man whispers in her ear "Sorry Babe, but could you fill in this Government B17992 form which certifies that you have consented to having sex with me? Oh yes and do you have any condoms?". Later on the show legal campaigner Stephen Cooper added his two cents. Among his wise words were. "Putting it simply yes means yes and no means no". What if she says yes when she's drunk, "Ah well then yes means no", comments Cooper. So I hope that is all nice and clear for you. So how do you get consent from a drunk girl. "Before heading out for an evening where you are likely to drink get consent before you go out". Mental images again for viewers, this time we have a couple going out for a second or third date, they meet up and the bloke says "Really nice to see you again. Can I have permission to have sex with you at the end of the night? It's only you might get a bit pissed later". Who said romance was dead?

Don't Hold Back Clarkson

2006-03-14T10:05:00.000Z

The Sun is well known for being short, snappy and to the point, even if the opinion at the end is a load of rubbish. However, Jeremy Clarkson might have taken this stand a bit too far in his column on Saturday. Here is an article from the column in full reproduced for your reading pleasure. "I sat next to Patrica Hewitt on Question Time once. And she appeared to be completely ridiculous". When he was on Question Time with Hewitt we have no idea and what motivated him to share this pearl of wisdom with us now is a mystery but thanks all the same Jeremy, very useful to know.

Peer Pressure

2006-03-13T15:11:00.000Z

I have been saving very hard to buy my Peerage but now I'm not sure I want to donate my money to the Labour Party now there is no guarantee of my appointment. Are there any ideas people may have into how to invest your money and get a Peerage out of it? Answers on postcard please.

Blair's Thin Blue Line

2006-03-13T14:53:00.000Z

More pressure for Blair today. However, on this occasion we are not talking about President, sorry Prime Minister, Blair instead we are talking about Met Chief Ian Blair. The country's top plod has been recording his conversations with Attorney General Lord Goldsmith. Blair's time in his appointment could never been described as plain sailing with the Stockwell shooting, the comments in regard to the Soham murders and now this. So should he go? Well Lord Goldsmith has accepted the apology, and his reasons for recording which if true are perfectly reasonable, so one would be inclined to say no. However, the papers have taken to this like a dog to a bone and will not let go. Hopefully Blair will stay, being London's number one policeman isn't an easy task and all in all Blair isn't doing too badder a job. Let's focus on getting rid of another Blair before we start on this one.

Profumo - Good Bloke

2006-03-10T15:45:00.000Z

Absolutely no news of any worthiness today, lets hope over the weekend the News of the World will manage to find out yet scandal involving the Lib Dems. Sarah Tether allegedly winning a naked limbo dancing competition which also involved a large number of ping pong balls? We live in hope. Oh yes, RIP John Profumo, a man who did a great amount of work for charity but also taught Westminster how to have a proper scandal something MPs must learn to do better.

Crisp goes Walkers!

2006-03-08T09:27:00.000Z

Sir Nigel Crisp is starting his new life without the NHS. He will wake up, probably at a rather casual 10am, have breakfast in his pyjamas and dressing gown. Breakfast will consist of cereal (either corn flakes or all bran), toast (2 slices, wholemeal) lightly buttered (no margarine) with a light layer of marmalade (with shreds), coffee (milk with one sugar) and a glass of orange juice (with juicy bits). Then feeling content and having read bits about himself in The Times will lean back in his chair and sigh a contented sigh and think "Thank God I don't have to go to Richmond House today". You see frankly the NHS is in a dire state. There is more MRSA than beds and more administrators, managers and financial busy bodies than doctors and nurses. The ethos behind the NHS is target driven rather than care driven...And let's not talk about dentists. Bumbling Secretary of State for Health Patricia Hewitt had said that by the spending deficit for the year would be £200m, however, six months in it was £620m and Hewitt refused at questions yesterday to say what the figure is current is. Overspending and ineffiency is going to hit the NHS very hard and everyone will suffer. Regardless of whether Sir Nige jumped or was pushed (I'm inclined to think pushed) he has definitely escaped a sinking ship while there is a lifeboat. Happy retirement Sir Nigel, just don't get ill!

I'm Back

2006-03-07T14:12:00.000Z

Hello fans, I'm extremely sorry for the lack of postings for a long time. A number of factors have caused this. 1. Flu. I had it for a week and was confined to my bed to watching winter Olympics and the Jeremy Kyle Show (much better than Trisha). 2. Work. Sadly we all have to do it and when you are sick for a week you have extra to catch up on. 3. Laughing. Mainly at the hopelessness of the Lib Dems. Anyway I'm back. So what has happened. The Lib Dems went for Ming. Well that will keep them in the land of oblivion for a few more years. Tony Blair went on Parkie and made a cringeworthy comment about God being his judge on Iraq. The problem is God is not on the electrol register and doesn't have a vote so he can't really judge him effectively. Mind you he could strike the PM with a lightning bolt, but that would be dangerous as Bush would probably declare a war on terror with the sky, launching nuclear missiles at clouds and letting the whole planet get showered with radioactive rain. Finally Tessa Jowell seems to be in a bit of trouble with a few dodgy dealing with Berlusconi and the mafia (one and the same?). She seems to be off the hook but don't worry God will be the judge of that. Anyhow that seems to be the gist of what has happened since my last post. I will endeavor to start doing regular in depth exciting posts as of tomorrow.

Opps I Did It Again

2006-02-15T14:35:00.000Z

TOSSER

For full story click here

Keep the Pound

2006-02-15T10:11:00.000Z

So that's it....the bores have won as have the nanny state, a blanket ban for smoking was approved by MPs. Now who recognises these words?
"In membership clubs the members will be free to choose whether to allow smoking or be smoke-free". No, can't get it, well let me tell you, page 66 Labour Manifesto 2005. So it now appears rebelling against the party manifesto is not just a hobby the Labour Backbenchers can enjoy, the government can do it too. Three members of the cabinet managed to keep the manifesto they issued in mind when they voted: John Reid, John Hutton and John Prescott. Must be something about the name John. However, highlight of the day went to Stephen Pound (pictured) who delivered a highly entertaining speech. When Lynne Jones asked Pound to give way Pound replied, "Hang on a second. I am a little short of breath, and what little I have I try to make the most of.". He continued describing his morning routine which included no less than four cigarettes before arriving at not Westminster but primary school. Oh how we laughed. As well as humour we got sound financial advice too, since in order to keep evicted smokers warm bars in Ireland continually now seem to have patio heaters outside them, "Buy patio heaters shares now", advised Pound. Anyway got to go, off to the Stock Exchange.

Could the Non-Smokers Pipe Down?

2006-02-14T10:24:00.000Z

Today the smoking vote is happening. The government would like to see a ban with the exception of private clubs. However, since they would probably face a defeat if they made this an issue where there was a whip there is a free vote. Hilary Armstrong can breathe a sigh of relief. All I have heard today is valentine rubbish and non-smokers on their high horse that smoking is a disgusting habit. I completely agree that there should be some controls on smoking, however, smoking and alcohol often go hand in hand. Why can't private clubs have smoking still allowed? That way there is a choice, people aren't ignorant of the dangers of smoking and should not be told by nanny not to smoke but given the choice. David Hockney had the right idea when he said that those proposing a ban were "absolutely dreary" and "too bossy". Also smoking creates more revenue to Mr. Brown's (soon to be Mr. Darling's) purse than what he has to fork out to take care of our health. The difference between the two sums is approximately £5 billion. So if the high horse non-smokers winge when their taxes go up, they only have themselves to blame.

It's Tuesday 14th February

2006-02-14T10:02:00.000Z

As a single bloke there is nothing special about today. I woke up and went through my normal routine toilet, shower, teeth, dress, shave etc. The today programme had the grace to avoid the subject of today as much as possible, it was only when I arrived at Westminster where the office idiot had chosen to watch GMTV and the whole thing was sodding Valentine's Day. They had 50 people renewing their wedding vows and frankly a load of sickening romantic tripe on. The whole thing is a sodding waste of time. I'm glad, however, to see romance is alive and well at Asda where a beautiful valentine's card as pictured can be purchased for the small fortune of eight pence. The card includes at the top the words ASDA and at the bottom it says SMART PRICE. Nice. All this hassle that comes with Valentines; cards, flowers, meal, sweet nothings etc., and what for? A romp. For £6 you could join the Lib Dems and get all the romping you like.

Do Your Friends Look Like a Quail?

2006-02-13T14:38:00.000Z

Sorry not to have written anything recently but have been very busy with keeping the country running but now that has been handed over to Gordon Brown I hope to have a bit more time on my time. So what's the news? Labour lose an 11,000 majority...opps that was careless, the only bitterness was that we have another Lib Dem, I swear they are like a rat infestation. Much more interesting was the news that Dick Cheney, Vice President of the US acidently shot a friend while quail shooting. The story wouldn't be funny if the guy had died but he didn't so we can laugh. If you are to be shot being shot by the Vice President is the way to go since he is surrounded by secret service agents and bodyguards trained in how to deal with somebody who has been shot. But the message seems to be quite clear here, if you can't trust the Vice President of America with a gun which American can you trust? The President.....Oh God.

Huhne is a Paperboy

2006-02-07T11:44:00.000Z

Chris 'Who?' Huhne has taken out a couple of newspaper ads, in The Guardian and The Independent. Click on the picture to enlarge it and read it. I have a few observations about the ad. One his signature, the last bit looks like a snake. Some psychologists reckon you can tell a lot about people's character just from there signature. I think a snake, a creature famed through history as something evil can not be a good thing to have in your signature. Two, I think it calling the Lib Dems "Britain's most exciting political party" is a bit much. There are a number of registered political parties which sound a lot more interesting. Examples include the Build Duddon and Morcambe Bridges Party, The Personality and Rational Thinking? Yes! Party and The Vote for Yourself Rainbow Dream Ticket Party. All of them sound a lot more exciting than the Lib Dems. That Chris Huhne 1 looks a bit odd. I can see what he's trying to do by telling people to give their first vote to him but it struck me as a prediction of the number of votes he'll get. Finally that Ideas, Leadership, Experience thing. If you changed the wording round to Leadership, Ideas, Experience and then abbreviate it, what do you get? LIE. Another subconscious message one thinks.

The Yolk is on You

2006-02-07T10:43:00.000Z

The Blessed St. Ruth, patron saint of education was attacked yesterday by the extremist wing of the disbanded satanic cult Fathers 4 Justice who were armed with eggs. Woo Hoo! We haven't had a good egg chucking since the John Prescott incident. I think that put people off chucking eggs at ministers since seeing that right hook that Prezza landed. However, I think most people fear the wrath of St. Ruth than that of Prezza so congratulations to the bloke who summonded the courage to do this. I have checked on the Opus Dei website about whether eggs are of great offence to the cult but the only mention of eggs on the entire website is a report where the chap compares looking over a crowd and thinking they looked like caviar eggs. So St. Ruth is in the clear there at least. Police think that the egg had been stolen and have arrested an egg poacher! (Sorry, I will try and avoid lame jokes for the rest of the day).

Cartoon's Chain Reaction

2006-02-06T13:43:00.000Z

Things seem to have got a little out of hand since a Danish newspaper published cartoons picturing the prophet Mohammed which were then reprinted in papers in Spain, Italy, Germany and France. It has deeply upset many Muslims and protests have been happening all over the world, most of them peaceful but some have become violent. Here in Britain there is now backlash against the protest that happened in London. This was caused by some of the signs the protesters were waving glorifying the July 7 bombings and warning of a reoccurence. One man even dressed up as a suicide bomber. The whole thing has kicked of a massive debate over freedom of speech. I am in favour of free speech but there has to be limits on these things. The cartoons that were published were deeply offensive and there was no necessity for them to be published. The media must act with a little tact and discretion and think of the consequences. Clearly the papers that have published these cartoons have not done so. The nature of the protest in London is deeply disturbing mainly because it will do no favour for the image of Islam in our society. The behaviour of those people is not the general view of most Muslims in this country, indeed the Muslim Council of Britain have announced their disapproval of the protest. There may well be racially motivated crimes against Muslims as a result of what we've seen. We must not let this situation escalate anymore otherwise wounds will emerge that will be extremely difficult to heal.

Please Don't Hurt Me

2006-02-06T11:08:00.001Z

It has been noticed since the BNP trial that I have an unfortunate resemblance to BNP leader Nick Griffin. I normally think that I have no resemblance to people I am compared to looking like. However, on this occasion after a couple of looks in the mirror I am afraid that I do have a uncanny resemblance to the racist bigot. I had been described a few years ago by at least two people that I looked a bit like Hugh Grant and while I couldn't see it I was flattered, oh how things have gone downhill. I have put a photo of me and Griffin above so you can make up your own mind (that's Griffin on the left and me on the right). I therefore beg readers that if they see someone wandering round Westminster who looks a bit like the BNP leader please don't beat him up or hurl abuse at him because it is probably the delightful Charlton Hofie who is not a racist. If you do see Nick Griffin, however, and are sure it is him please feel free to hurl abuse at him because he deserves it.

Try and Try Again

2006-02-06T10:18:00.000Z

One of the delights in the sporting weekend to see the return of the six nations. What results we saw as well. First up was a scrape through by the Irish against the Italians, with a bit of help from the referee. I was out shopping with my Mother so missed that game. Next up was England against Wales. A huge match, England who struggled last year in the tournament but looked good at the end of last year against grand slam winners Wales. I was nervous, I just couldn't tell which way the game was going to go, it all depended on which England came out of the tunnel. Rushing to get home from shopping with Mother I landed in front of my sofa just at the end of the first half. 15-10, England winning but only just. Then the second half came on and England opened the WhopAss on the Welsh and went on to a convincing 47-13 win. There is nothing more enjoyable than seeing the Welsh get beat, and the ugly, annoying, small singing people got stuffed on Saturday. The highlight of the match was the great man Lawrence Dallagio, back from retirement and scoring a try, good to see him back. The icing on the cake was The Jocks beating The Frogs which just play even better into England's hands.

Superbowl is Super Bore

2006-02-06T09:54:00.000Z

Last night was the Superbowl. A time when all the Americans get to gather and watch a sport that nobody else understands. Oh my God is it boring, and if you go to the BBC website for an explanation as to how this game is played it is no wonder the rest of the world doesn't get the game. The game is divided into quarters each lasting 15 minutes. Now even if there was quarter-time oranges and chats, there is no reason why the game should last for more than an hour and a half in total. How then does the game last for over four hours. Time isn't my biggest issue concerning this game, since I am very happy being put in front of a TV for five days to watch test match cricket. No, what really annoys me is the amount of stopping that happens during the game. It seems a passage of play lasts for about no more than 10 seconds. I am sure I saw the referee blow the whistle and stop the game for a TV break, then there are time outs and just random stops of the game. Also it is American so they all get far to excited and over the top and it has to be a spectacular show rather than what it should be which is a game. Why is it called American Football when there is very little kicking in the game? Why is it called the Superbowl when there is no bowling involved at all? Anyway rant over. In the end the Pittsburgh Steelers beat the Seattle Seahawks (more stupid names) 21-10 but I had gone to sleep by the end of the first quarter.

Heath Arisen!

2006-02-03T15:47:00.000Z

Bad news Maggie! In front of me I have a leaflet from The David Lloyd George Statue Appeal Trust, which has been posted out by the trust very recently. The clue is in the title to what the trust is. They want a statue of Lloyd George to be erected, as there is not one of him in Parliament Square nor in any other street or square in the capital. They want to pop their statue just behind Churchill on Parliament Square. So where does Ted Heath come into this? Well on this leaflet is a list of names. The Royal Patron (Prince Charles), Patrons, Trustees and the Executive Committee. On the list of Patrons is Lord (Paddy) Ashdown of Norton-sub-Hamdon, Baroness Boothroyd, Mr. John Major and Sir Edward Heath and Lord (James) Callaghan of Cardiff. Now at the last time of checking I thought the last two were deceased. Well it appears they have arisen. Nice to have them back.

Britain's National Poison

2006-02-03T11:45:00.000Z

I don't want to talk too much about this as it only gives them more publicity which is what they want, however, I just want to say a couple of things. The clearing of Nick Griffin and his henchman is a gross miscarriage of justice. Nick Griffin is a dangerous man intent on dividing this nation. He is a racist and his so called party is a poison to our society. What he said on the tape recording in the pub was nothing else but stirring up racial hatred. One can only hope that the retrial goes ahead and the horrible little sh*t that is Griffin and his sidekick get locked up for a long time. The only people that need kicking out of this country is the BNP.

Rambling Rhodri

2006-02-03T11:43:00.000Z

For those of you who missed Question Time last night it was a damm good episode. It was just unfortunate that it came from Wales. Funny creatures the Welsh. The panel consisted of Chris 'Who?' Huhne MP, Cheryl Gillan MP (Shadow Welsh Secretary), Adam Rickitt (yes, that bloke from Coronation Street), Leanne Wood AM (Plaid Cymru) and Rhodri Morgan AM. Looking at this line up one would expect the token idiot on the panel to be Rickitt, a bloke who was in Corrie and had one of the worst pop careers in history does not appear to be someone capable of question time. However, while Rickitt struggled at times on the whole he came over professionally and well. No, the token idiot on question time last time was First Minister in the National Assembly Rhodri Morgan. The Welsh do have a reputation for being gasbags but Morgan really was in a league on his own. Iraq was being debated and Rhodri was doing the usual waffle and somehow started talking about the Nazis invading Russia in 1941. Then Dimbleby got Morgan back on track and asked him, "Were you against or for the war in Iraq?" Morgan replied "No" and then carried on waffling. The question was repeated "No" replied Morgan. Dimbleby pursued Morgan on his stance of the war still no clear definition whether he was in favour or not, instead we got something about the MPs being allowed to vote on whether we should go to war for the first time and that he hadn't looked at the issue as he wasn't an MP and didn't have a vote. He was extraordinarily reluctant to just say "Yes I was in favour of the war" or "No I wasn't in favour of the war". He was then asked to give an opinion by Cheryl Gillan and went on to a story about visiting the Welsh Guards in Iraq on St. David's Day. He came over as an arrogant, stupid arse. What has Rhodri Morgan got to hide on his views on Iraq? Either he was in favour or he wasn't. Whichever way it won't damage his career too much. He is after all only First Minister in the Welsh Assembly and we all know that Wales isn't that important.

Hoon to Get the Whip, Allegedly

2006-02-02T15:29:00.000Z

Rumours are starting to stir about the approaching Cabinet Reshuffle. We've already heard Ruth Kelly is likely to get the boot. Latest gossip is Geoff Hoon is to get the exciting role of chief Whip. This is after I reported yesterday that a Number 10 spokesman said "The Prime Minister continues to have enormous respect for Hilary Armstrong". Ah, the famous 10 backing then sacking. Oh well, bye-bye Hilary, hello Hooney. So Geoff Hoon as chief Whip, what fun. This is the man who made such a mess as our man in defence with overspending, dodgy kit and the David Kelly affair. His performances as Leader of the Commons hasn't been spectacular. Still good news for everyone else, since Hoon couldn't organise a drink up in a brewery and can't run a tap. Many more Government defeats on there way I feel.

Re-tune Your Wireless

2006-02-02T15:15:00.000Z

The Evening Standard is reporting today that XFM has seen a 7.1% drop in listeners. The theory for this drop is the loss of their breakfast DJ Christian O'Connell to Virgin Radio which saw an 8.6% rise in listeners. However, there is more bad news on the horizon for XFM. The postcard above has through one way or another arrived in my hands. Tory Radio. Imagine the excitement on the airwaves, top tunes and banging beats with DJ Duncan-Smith in the mix. I can't contain myself. Are you ready? I can hardly wait.

Cameron the Sex God!

2006-02-02T09:48:00.000Z

This man is the 92nd sexiest man in the world. He is not a singer, actor, sportstar or non-entity celebrity in fact he has one of the unsexiest jobs in the world. He is leader of the Conservative Party David Cameron. Cameron has come 92nd beating James Blunt, Will Young and even Russell Crowe. At this point it should be mentioned the poll was carried out by New Woman Magazine, whether this is a accurate source for finding out the worlds sexiest men is up to you to decide. Apparently his sex appeal stems from the fact he is young, dashing and promising things for the future. If only the rest of us could be so lucky. However, lest we forget the outgoing Prime Minister Tony Blair came 44th sexiest man in 1998, only this poll was commissioned by Cosmopolitan. However, he has now dropped out of the top 100 and probably the top 200, surely a sign your political career is over? Charlton Hofie does not feature in the top 100 but is alledged to have come 101st. Nicholas Soames came 646,228,761,193,716,979,415th.

Mornington Crescent - UPDATE

2006-02-01T14:24:00.000Z

It has been strangely quiet from the post on Monday on getting a Parliamentary Question on the effect Crossrail will have on the popular game Mornington Crescent. I don't know whether this is because people aren't taking this seriously or that I am not being kept in touch about the matter. If it is the first, I am ashamed of you. This is a very urgent matter and needs to be raised before the Government go marching into this without thinking of the consequences. If it is that I am just not being kept in touch please let me know by leaving a comment with this post. It is very important that this question gets asked and we must know the answers. Come on readers, lets get to work.

Armstrong in for a Whipping

2006-02-01T12:06:00.000Z

I normally hang around Westminster when the Government might face a defeat in the Commons. However, as it all seemed to be run of the mill stuff yesterday I went home. Imagine my surprise therefore when watching the 10 o'clock news that the Government had lost two votes that night on the Racial and Religious Hatred Bill. The reason why this defeat had happened was not because of a huge number of Labour backbenchers rebelled, it was just because not enough Labour members turned up. 40 Labour MPs did not vote, 15 of them were in Scotland campaigning for a by-election. In the second vote where the Government lost by one vote, Tony Blair didn't vote despite voting in the first division which were just 18 minutes apart. Nick Robinson described it as a massive cock-up by the Whips. Oh, to be a fly on the wall when chief Whip Hilary Armstrong and Blair met afterwards.

Blair: "So Hilary what the hell went wrong?"
Armstrong: "You didn't vote Prime Minister and made us lose the second division."
Blair: "Ah....um...yes, carry on Hilary good work"

However, Armstrong has been given the kiss of death, a Number 10 spokesman has said, "The prime minister continues to have enormous respect for Hilary Armstrong". We only have to recall what happened to Pensions Sexretary David Blunkett when the PM said that about him. It was an enormous surprise for everyone when the Government lost. George 'Pussy' Galloway was even there backing the government and they still lost. Apparently Galloway misheard that it was a Three Line Whip and heard it was a Feline Whip! This loss will damage the PMs credibility even more let alone Armstrongs' job security and Charles Clarke will have to be on sedatives for a month after the bad mood it put him in. Oh well all the fun of Westminster I suppose.

100 and Not Out

2006-02-01T09:06:00.000Z

Yesterday saw the tragic death of the 100th British soldier in Iraq. Corporal Gordon Pritchard was killed in a blast in Umm Qasr. An impromptu vigil was held outside Westminster which Tony Benn attended. The front pages of today's newspapers were dominated by the news, The Daily Telegraph publishing a suitable tribute. However, The Independent mentioned that this death is no more tragic than the preceding 99. A very valid point, it is the fact that 100 is a nice round number that such coverage is given and raised questions about Iraq again, however, we must not forget the previous 99 deaths. The criticism of Blair and Bush for this war has been heightened. I personally think we were right to go, but I do have reservations. We were right to go because Saddam Hussein was an evil tyrant who was making his people's lives a misery with his cruelty. He did not have WMD. I object to being lied to as to the reasons for the war, if Blair had got up in the Commons and said we're invading Iraq because Saddam is a s*it I wouldn't have had any objection. Why did he have to lie? It's just like Simon Hughes, nobody cares whether he is gay or not what they object to is the lie. I am also shocked by the lack of planning to what was going to happen once Saddam was gone. It has taken far to long to rebuild Iraq and there still is a lot more work to be done. Why wasn't this properly thought about? There is also no plan for an exit strategy. We do have to get our boys out of there and we have to do it soon, but there is no plan. The politics of the Iraq Occupation are divisive and complicated, Blair has made a mess of it. However, we must all unite in what our boys are trying to do out there in what is very close to hell. We support their work and wish them well. They are doing a great job, it's the politicians that have questions to answer.

Broadcasting House Baboons

2006-01-31T14:10:00.000Z

Whilst in Mongolia, I missed the devastating news that Radio 4 is to scrap its UK Theme, played at 5.30am. It is to be replaced by a news bulletin and extended shipping forecast. Disgraceful. I have heard the theme a few times, when I have set my radio alarm an hour early by accident. It is a wonderful piece of music and stirs the senses. Mark Damazer, Radio 4 Controller, has underestimated the power of the Radio 4 listeners. I heard a lovely story them which goes as follows. When plans were issued to scrap Radio 4 on longwave the listeners marched on Broadcasting House with the marvelous chant, "What do we want? RADIO 4. Where do we want it? LONGWAVE What do we say? PLEASE". An Early Day Motion has been submitted on the matter by Austin Mitchell, which has received a large number of signatures from all parties. A website has been created and Newsnight is really gunning for it to stay. Damazer really must have got an idea on how ridiculous his proposals are. In a society today where it is 24 hour news and we are continually being fed reams and reams of current affairs, the UK Theme on the odd occasion I have woken up to it is an extremely pleasant start to the day, I hope those at Radio 4 will reverse their decision. Idiots.

The Great Unwashed are Revolting

2006-01-31T08:55:00.000Z

I'm afraid today it's another rant about students..... but they really are a pain. Charnwood Borough Council have banned students from Loughborough University from living in a new development. Naturally the winging great unwashed students of Loughborough have complained. The President of the NUS at the university, Gav Stone (who else but a student would call themselves Gav), has got a barrister from Shelter and are looking into a potential legal challenge, "with regards to the whole human rights issue surrounding it, and the restrictions generally on student occupation". Human Rights! Students not being allowed to live in a small area of a town is not a violation of human rights. Being not allowed to express political or religious opinion for fear of torture is a violation of human rights, as is not being allowed to hunt. Loughborough is a town with residents who have normal lives and normal jobs. They should be allowed to have the option of not having to be kept up by late nate parties or drunken behaviour. Students must respect the locals of Loughborogh or any town with universities in it and residents should be able to enjoy their town. We have to remember when the students go home for Christmas or summer the residents remain. Not to be allowed in a tiny area is very sensible and the students should respect that. I can see this idea being rolled out over a number of university towns. If only the winging students would just stop being so selfish and give the locals of towns the chance to keep their town theirs.

Lobby Your MP

2006-01-30T14:32:00.000Z

Firstly, may I apologise to you beloved readers for not updating the blog recently. I have been away in Mongolia for the past few days trying to find polar bears, but alas no joy. However, I am back and stunned by the lack of news at the moment. However, whilst on my customary Friday night drink an interesting challenge came my way. A challenge on which I need your help. The challenge is to get the following written question submitted to The Transport Minister, Alistair Darling "To ask the Secretary of State for Transport, whether the government has considered the effect Crossrail will have on the rules of the popular game Mornington Crescent." As a fond player of this wonderful game featured on Radio 4's panel game 'I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue' it is a matter of great concern. The new stations that will emerge from Crossrail may have a serious effects on such moves as the interline bluff and the station double hop. I therefore urge any MPs who may read this blog to submit this question and for everyone else to lobby their MPs and MPs they may know and get this question asked. For the good of the country we must know the answer.

Students...Tch!

2006-01-24T11:48:00.000Z

You know when they release one of those surverys when you just laugh and think they can't be serious, like women drive better than men, well another one has just come out. The annual Unite study by Mori has just been published which looks into student lifestyles. According to the survey the layabout student who struggles to get up in time for the afternoon soap before wandering down to the pub is becoming a thing of the past. Today's undergradutates are conscientious, dividing their time between the library and part-time work, and spending 20% less on alcohol than five years ago. What university were they investigating? The University of Stiffs? I've never heard such rubbish. Students I know are still complete wasters. Let's pick this thing apart. "Dividing their time between the library and part-time work". I admit some students go to the library, some students have a part-time job. However, the students I know much prefer to spend the majority of their time between the pub and sleeping. Only when they have 24 hours before having to hand in an essay in do they actually go to the library, and only when they have no money to spend in the pub do they get a part-time job, usually in a pub. "Spending 20% less on alcohol than five years ago". That is like saying dwarfs on average are 5% taller. The fact is they are still small in the same way students are still drunk and spending huge amounts on booze. The only reason they are spending less is the special offers, such as 'All you can drink for £5' and cheap booze prices in the student union bar. I reckon that while the amount spent on drinking is less the amount the wasters are actually drinking is more. Watching afternoon soaps a thing of the past. Ha! There are only two groups who know the plots in Eastenders, Corination St., Hollyoaks, Emmerdale, Neighbours, Home and Away and Family Affairs. One is the staff of Heat magazine and the other students. I asked Barry's Beef for a quote on the matter as he is former student and much wiser and astute than me. "Today's undergraduates are more politically annoying, totally dependent on whatever the current cool is and totally devoid of individuality in opinion, fashion or taste", he said. Well said Barry! The phrase 'hard working student' is a bigger oxymoron than it has ever been before.

Time for the Kids to Learn

2006-01-24T11:11:00.000Z

David Cameron has announced an initial idea of a National School Leavers Programme. The idea is that school leavers will do three to four months of community service. This could range from building hospitals in Rwanda to helping with social services in Stepney. The scheme would be compulsory, similar to National Service. Cameron said "If it isn't compulsory or if it isn't universal it could tend to be something else that well-off families do because it's good for their kids but it would not actually reach some of the most marginalised families and excluded children who actually would really benefit." Yesterday we saw four youths sentenced to a total of 44 years imprisonment after a spree of violent and random crimes or 'happy slapping' which resulted in the death of a man. The youngest of these youths was 14 when she committed these crimes. The fact of the matter is that a large number of today's children have no respect for anyone except themselves. They have no sense of what is socially acceptable. They have no discipline. I used not to be a fan of National Service but about six months ago, ITV did a programme where a group of bad boys went to a reconstruction of a National Service camp. The guys took time to adapt to the new surroundings and all except one, who was just beyond help, came out of the camp new and better characters. It was a testament to what a little bit of discipline can achieve. Cameron's idea seems initially a sensible one. Children need to learn how to contribute to society and that it isn't all about them. I would like Cameron's idea pushed forward high up on the political agenda. Some children are making other people's lives a misery. It has got to stop.

Love Thy Neighbour

2006-01-24T09:52:00.000Z

I discovered a great little story tucked away in the International News section of today's Guardian. The US Mission based in Havana near the famous Malecón waterfront started flashing passages from Martin Luther King's "I have a dream speech" on a giant TV. As well bits from King's speech, extracts from the Universal Declaration of Human Rights and sayings from anti-communist leaders such as Walesa and Havel were also displayed. Cuba's leader Fidel Castro was furious and called for a mass protest outside the mission which is based in the Swiss embassy. He mentioned that after the scandals about the abuse of detainees at Guantánamo Bay and Abu Ghraib prisons, the US was in no position to deliver a lecture about human rights. "They should put those signs inside, not outside", he added. As international spats go the ongoing 'cultural war' between Cuba and the US is a highly entertaining one. The two countries just don't get on. In 2004, the US office beamed up the figure 75 - the number of US dissidents being held in Cuban prisons. Cuba retaliated with billboards depicting bounded and hooded Iraqis abused by US troops at Abu Grahib. When hurricane Katrina ripped apart New Orleans, Cuba offered the US the most ridiculously generous aid package including 1,100 Cuban doctors, just because Castro knew the US would never accept. Deciding who is the better out of Bush and Castro is like being stuck between a rock and a hard place, but it's still good to see that after all these years Cuba and the US are still unable to get along and continue to have this fight that reminds you of petty squabbles in the playground when you were six. At least it's not a full on war.

MP Failing to Keep His Pride

2006-01-23T13:05:00.000Z

Having finally finished unpacking boxes and from my housemove I then plugged in the TV and tuned, watched a film and then......felt so exhausted I tuned into Celebrity Big Brother. I aplogise it was an error of judgement. However, George 'Pussy' Galloway in a single episode managed to completely destroy the possibilty of people ever taking him seriously. I tuned in half way through nominations. George was in a huff. He hadn't been allowed to vote. He was furious and was plotting revenge. George, don't get so wound up it's only a game. There are people far worse of in your constituency. Think of them. Next up came a challenge from Big Brother. Housemates were challenged to display emotions through the medium of dance. George teamed up with Pete Burns. The two of them appeard to be very chummy. Imagine Pete Burns as a candidate for Respect at the next election....actually it's horrible, don't. They had to display the emotion of bewilderment when a puppy doesn't come to you when called through the dance medium of robotics. In a skin tight red leotard, George went full steam ahead forgetting that he has a professional career to return to after this and made an idiot out of himself. George we will all be smiling at you when you return to Westminster, mainly because we will be laughing at you so hard. I wouldn't normally advise an MP to take too seriously advice from a member of Goldie Lookin Chain, however, on this occasion George should listen to GLC's Maggot. Maggot said when nominating George his reasons were that he felt George should returning to being an MP and that his constituents needed him. Very sound advice but I personally would like to see George make a complete prat of himself a little longer and just confirm his place as the biggest joke of an MP ever.